Enabling VS. Helping
By Melisa M. Stone

Alcoholism and drug addiction may be diseases of isolation, but they are rarely a single individual’s problem. Entwined in the chemically dependent person’s life are people who genuinely care, but whose love and concern are misguided, leading them to do things that actually help the alcoholic or addict stay that way.

These “enablers” are usually well-meaning family members, friends or co-workers who cover for the person by taking over responsibilities such as childcare, bill paying and household chores and inventing excuses for absenteeism, tardiness and inappropriate behavior. They pretend that nothing is wrong by not “seeing” the dents in the car, not “missing” the money in the bank account, not “smelling” the alcohol, etc. They think “magical thoughts,” imagining that if just one thing changes—the stress disappears, the job changes, the relationship ends—then everything will be okay. In reality, their attempts to help are preventing the chemically dependent person from experiencing the consequences of his or her actions.

Although an enabler can be anyone close to the person, there is ordinarily a chief enabler, the person to whom the addict can turn when all else fails. As the substance abuse continues, the enabler feels angry, resentful, hurt and manipulated, but continues to save the alcoholic or addict from the immediate crisis. The enabler may threaten to stop these rescue missions, but more often than not the threats are empty, and the chemically dependent person knows it.

If the chemically dependent person refuses to get help, others must learn to set boundaries. Boundaries are about taking care of oneself, not the abuser. For example, parents may allow an adult child to live in their house, but refuse the privilege if they find substance abuse. It is critical to stick to whatever boundary lines are drawn. When enablers detach themselves from the problems caused by the illness, the chemically dependent person is forced to assume responsibility for his or her behavior. The consequences are often just what the addicted person needs to finally seek help.

Melisa Stone is a family counselor at Pathways Treatment Center in Lynchburg. If you are concerned about a loved one who may be chemically dependent, please call 434-947-4455 for program options and information.